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It’s been over a year since the first time I wrote to you about the complicated feelings we adults have about lockdown drills. It’s something I literally can’t talk with you about yet because you think this is a game, as you should because you are 5.

Kiddo, it’s hard.

The flag is still at half-staff from the last school shooting. Maybe we should just keep it there because what’s the point to put it back up? There will likely be another three this week. There were two school shootings last week.

Three this month.

16 this year.

And yet, you keep marching into school, oblivious to the very real danger we parents and your teachers are preparing for with these drills. I’m not nieve to think that simple measures and common sense legislation, accountability and a change in how America views its addiction to weaponry will stop every single violent act with a gun.

But it will help.

I’ve been a mess all day long after seeing the police cars heading towards the schools knowing that this time it’s a drill, but what about next time?

I’m glad that there are reactive measures put in place for if this happens in your school, but unless proactive measures are taken, this will be a matter of when this happens to you or someone we know, not if. What are we supposed to do, Kiddo? Do we pull you out of school? Do we run for office? Do we just keep sending you places and hope for the best? I have literally no idea what I’m supposed to do as your parent here, and it’s all I can think of today.

I don’t want to get the call that the 10 parents got on Friday. I don’t want to get the call that over 400 parents have received in over 200 school shootings since Newtown (when you were just 4 months old).

I’m sick to my stomach.

When you read this as an adult, I can’t even imagine what you’ll say except that we adults put you guys in this situation. And, you’d be right.

Nothing has changed in the last year except for the body count.